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I missed a few days doing this. We have been so busy that it was impossible to take one minute for myself. I didn’t want to to just rush a post up, because that is a convenient thing to do, and what I would normally do.Things finally settled down this evening so I could really think about today’s question

‘Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For’

As I read this, instantly so many “facts” come rushing to the front of my brain, knocking each other in the attempt to be the first one heard.

I am really unable to pick just one. One that sounds authentic, like something I didn’t just force myself to believe, or beat into my own brain over the last few years. Not one feels like the right thing.

I could do what I always do, and say I was too hard on myself. Come up with some poor me excuse. But, I don’t want to do that. It just doesn’t feel right. Or I could be cocky and say self righteous and blame everything on anybody, anybody, but me. That’s  just not me.

So, I’m going to have to do what some people won’t…I will have to say I have no clue. This is not avoidance, this is me saying I’m trying to find the answer to this very question. Because, I know I need to forgive myself, but I’m not sure what…or how to do it.

But, I promise myself, noone else, I will not stop looking until I know the answer.

Continuing on with 30 Days of Truth..today the prompt is ‘Something You Love About Yourself’.

This is probably contradictory to yesterdays post. The thing that I love about myself is that I don’t let alot of people in. I see so many people that have a ton of acquaintances. They are ‘friends’ with many people, but not close with anyone.

Sadly, my Husband is one of these people. He isn’t close, really close, with anyone. When he needs someone, other than me, to talk to things about, he is hard pressed to find someone he can trust enough to do this with.

On the other hand, I have a small…very small… group of friends that I trust 150% with everything  that I need to talk about. On top of that, I am probably the most trustworthy person you can share things with. Once I let you in, you’re in. If I let you into my life, you know you’re in for good.

I know that there are probably things that others will find ‘wrong’ with that, but right now….that is good enough for me. You have to start somewhere, right?

Day One of 30 Days of Truth starts out with this heavy prompt. “Something You Hate About Yourself”. Man! They don’t beat around the bush with these questions, do they?

The things I hate about myself have changed so much over the years.

As a child, what I hated about myself was influenced so much by the abuse in my home. I hated that I wasn’t quiet enough to be the ‘seen and not heard’ type of child. I hated that I wasn’t good enough to be anyone’s favorite, or even on the ‘like’ list. I hated that I wasn’t stronger than to cry and show pain when the abuse was inflicted. I hated that no one thought enough of me to save me from the pain.

As a teenager, I hated that I wasn’t skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough or nice enough to garner the attention I sought. I hated my insecurities around others, and hated the fact that no matter what, I could never make myself seem like I belonged. Regardless of where I was, I felt out of place.

As a young adult, I hated myself for the abuse I inflicted on myself when I was younger by stuffing myself full of alcohol and drugs to numb the constant pain. I hated myself for not finishing school, falling in love with someone who could never grow up, and having a child that had to suffer because I wasn’t ever, in my mind, good enough to be a Mother to.

Now, in my 30’s, I hate that I have become so un-trusting of others. Unable to trust myself. I hate that I let the abuse from my past shape the type of person I have become. Once we were no longer in that situation, I took up the abuse where he left off. I became bitter, angry at any and everyone. But, most of all, towards myself. I have continued to suffer, years later. I hate that I gave anyone that amount of power, when I had a choice. I have pushed the good people away, and invited the bad in. On the outside I was strong, didn’t need anyone, didn’t have feelings, could care less what anyone thought. On the inside I was numb, turned off, guards up, ready for the next blow. So many years went by that I could have done more, gave more, loved more, laughed more. And I hate that I let myself tune out, turn away, and hide.

I would have to say, though, that the thing I hate the most is that I have wasted years hating great big parts of myself, and not realizing how great of a soul I truly am, how brave and loving I am. How good of a Mother I have been, in spite of what I kept telling myself. How lucky I am that I get to wake up every morning and can take a breath, look around at my world and just be happy to have the chance that I never thought that I would be allowed to have.

But I’m going to do my best to not spend one more second taking that for granted. No more hate. I think it’s time to turn the tape off, stop the abuse, and live the way I was meant to live. I finally realize how worth it it is. How worth it I am. How can you hate that?

What Better Way…

I started this blog for many reasons, but the main reason is this…I have spent so long being unhappy, not knowing who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. I am on a quest, you could say. I am trying to live. Plain and simple. For so long, I was doing the exact opposite, and it has taken a toll on my body, my mind, my spirit. And one day, I had finally had enough. I will have more, and I finally realize how much I deserve it.

This blog is basically a refuge, and I’m hoping one day to look back at it and be thankful that I put the words to the page, and can be proud of how far I have come. You have to start somewhere, yes?

I recently came across a few ladies on Twitter that kept mentioning the 30 Days of Truth. I ignored it a few times, but yesterday I finally looked into it, and it was instantly something I knew I have to participate in. Why? Because for so many years, the thought of answering many questions just like these would have made me turn tail and run. Honesty was to hard, at least honesty with myself, about myself. It would be too hard. I wouldn’t have touched that with a 10-ft pole.

And that is why I am doing it. It isn’t necessarily a way to let others get to know me, although I think it will definitely do that. It is a way to get to know myself. To take a long hard look at who I am, who I want to be, and what no longer works. It’s about time.

Welcome to Day One of Bent!

Welcome to the first post at Bent. My name is Jill, and while I have previously blogged, it’s been a few years. As for the name, I have realized, at the ripe old age of 31, that while we all go through our ups and downs, I have managed to come through it all. While I’ve not been broken by all my trials, I have been bent, but continue to keep on keeping on!

So that will be the theme around here. Never give up. Keep fighting. Live! For so many years I forgot to live, and I think so many of us fall in to that rut. We are Mothers, Daughters, Wives, Significant Others, Friends, Family…we do it all, but somewhere along the way, we forget the most important thing: ourselves.

I won’t tie this blog down to one specific topic. I am passionate about many things…my children, my friends and family, reading, cooking (eating!), living a healthy lifestyle, learning more about my surroundings (Cincinnati, Ohio)…I could go on and on, and I will. All in due time.

So, once again, welcome, to Bent. I can’t wait to talk your ear off!

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